I have mixed emotions about Spanx, on the one hand I LOVE the product, they take all of your lumps and bumps and smother it in a tight spandex hug, and who doesn’t like to be hugged? On the other hand they must be fashioned after some ancient torture device.
When you pull them out of the packaging they look like they are made for a four year old, you flip the package over to follow the guideline to sizing and realize that you did purchase the correct size. Now the most important step to putting these things on, make sure no one, and I mean no one can see you as you struggle to get these things over your thighs, hips and ass to their final resting position.
In the beginning, it is simple; you get both feet into them no problem. The Spanx crotch is now a bridge between your feet, essentially creating a situation like a school kid who has had their shoelaces tied together. You should now pray that the phone doesn’t ring or the fire alarm goes off because you will be going nowhere fast. You move the Spanx up your leg until the crotch sits as a bridge between your knees, essentially cutting off the blood flow to your lower legs. You push on, you pull and tug to get the tights up and over your butt and hips, the fabric is so taut now that you are giving yourself rug burns on your fingers while swaying your hips to the left, to the right jumping into a squat and then with one final pull at the waistband and a leap into the air the Spanx settles around your waist.
You better hope that you didn’t do your hair or makeup before you got dressed because now your hair is fuzzy with perspiration and your makeup is sliding off your face from the exertion. The process may be excruciating but the end results are worth all the pain., once I pull my outfit on over my Spanx I quietly whisper “Spanx you very much”!